Did I mention that all of the doorknobs are installed upside down?

:D I'm sorry, but in the context of "I don't have to deal with it" this is incredibly funny. What else is awry, and did you perhaps unwittingly move into a deliberately surrealist flat? I'd expect the hot and cold taps to be reversed also, and possibly for the bath to be in the kitchen, and of course for the doors to be locked one must unlock them...